My Heart Your Heart

heart

Oh my have I been gone a long time. I can’t believe it’s already 2017. I feel like it’s a fresh start filled with multiple opportunities, new ideas, and ground breaking thoughts to help move my generation forward in this life. I know that my sole purpose is to be an inspiration to you readers whether it be complete strangers, associates, family and some friends. In the beginning of my journey I promised you something and I’m not sure if you remember. Well if you don’t or you are just tuning in I promised I’d work to become vulnerable not only to you but 1st to myself without self-pity or shame. As you may know this has been one hell of a fight for me and personally it’s ground breaking. It’s a new playing field for me, it’s out of my comfort zone but what the hell. I have no fear of being judged, looked down upon, hated or any other word I can use to describe being dislike. I admit I used to be scared of what others thought of me. I struggled with the way I presented myself all in the efforts of trying to impress my peers. I wanted to be liked and be in the in crowd but that wasn’t in the cards for me growing up. I wasn’t the kid who grew up with a solid foundation to stand on but the cracks in the foundation I did stand on helped shape who I am today. I am thankful for every trail and tribulation I have encounter in my lifetime because I’ve become a road warrior when it comes to facing obstacles in life. God is good and has given me some of my toughest test early on in life. He has built me up to be a fighter, a person with grace, charisma and fortitude. Today I am alive and I give him all the glory for what he has done for me. I’m not overly expressive when it comes to religion in front of people because I like me and the man upstairs relationship to remain private but I sure can praise him. Before I get into my recap of my year I’d like to thank all the people who have been branches on my tree of life and those who were leaves. Vital lessons have been taught and learned that were pivotal to my growth as a man so thank you guys from the bottom of my heart. There was a lot of progress made last year and I don’t want to dwell too much on the past but some things have to be addressed. Last year was a tough one to say the least bit filled with heart-break, lost friendships, love, loneliness, depression, great moments, new bonds, anger, and inspiration. There are plenty of words I could describe what I felt throughout the year and so can you. My only thought is did the positive outweight the negative? For me I truly have to say positivity always wins but I didn’t feel so confident in my answer as I typed it, maybe that’s just me being a paradox who knows. As you very well know by now I’m a man who’s been through it and I know your thinking so has everyone else who gives a shit right?! Well I do, it helps me measure my progress and that is what helps me to keep going. Last year I stuck my heart out and oh boy did it get stepped on. Now I imagined there would be a chance it’d happen but not in the fashion it did. I was a fool to think that someone could care for something so delicate. Am I mad? not at all. Am I bitter? not one bit. Am I hurt because of it? You can bet your ass. You see my philosophy on the human is quite simple, believe in the best in people until they give you a reason not to. So here I am laying it all on the line with grace and full of passion. I know there is not a single person in this world that can match my hearts passion but that didn’t stop me from what my heart desired. I envisioned this life where everyday was like a dream because I’d be waking up to something or I should say someone for eternity. It started off as what I described as a school boy crush because it was sincere yet I didn’t know what to do with it. I had told her I was ready for what love brought and I was head over heels for her. You see people this was no ordinary crush for me this shit had me feeling like I was in grade school asking a girl out for the first time. The emotions read nervous as fuck, fear of being shoot down, but faith in all things pointing towards feelings being reciprocated. I remember like it was yesterday when I wrote the text explain my thoughts, and feelings with empathy. I knew it was a lot to throw at a girl out of the blue but it had been brewing for what seemed like forever but that’s also how I knew it wasn’t a fluke. I know myself pretty well and I usually lose interest in a girl pretty quickly because they simply can’t keep my attention long enough or I  feel were not compatible but this one was different. Attention was paid to every aspect of this women. Her intellect complimented by good looks, and her willingness to grow as a person. Hell I was sold on the positive vibes she gave off. I’m all about living a positive influential lifestyle. I wanted to build a bond so strong that negativity wouldn’t ever dare to step foot in our lives. obstacles are apart of life but when two people are in tuned with one another it’s a sight to see. I wanted her to embark on this journey  with me hand in hand because I saw something evolving that was literally ground breaking. I’ve said this once and I’ll say it again my word is bond and I will never go back on it. My commitment to making this vision a reality was my motivation. I had been prepping myself to be the best man I could possibly be because that’s how much she meant to me. I remember we’d stay up til the we hours of the night conversing about random ish. Good morning text along with motivational messages to carry her through the day in the event the day turned upside down there was a bit of me there in spirit to lift her up. As time went by conversations began to get short til the point we hardly spoke. Things suddenly changed and before I knew it days turned into weeks and weeks turned in months. Talking became non existence and I wondered how did it get to this point. How could I be left in the cold about her true feelings after I was so honest and upfront. Funny how a woman can say she wants a good man and when one is right in front of her she either treats it like shit or deny it. Maybe it’s karma coming around full circle but then again I have my heart and mind in the right place. At this point in my life I feel like I’ve given all I can to a women. My only worry is if I have the strength to love in the same way ever again. I feel like I’ve exhausted every ounce of energy I had only to have my heart stepped on. I now come to realize how the good-hearted people become the coldest. It’s always the most undeserving people who takes the best of you. I only hope to match the level of love I once displayed to my future wife. A word to karma you got me and I’ll take my lost with my head held high. I truly know what it feels like to have a broken heart and I wish that upon no one. Your heart is what I no longer desire and you will never get the best of me ever again because you are unworthy. Your heart is not for my heart and I am ok with that.

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